Wearing the Mask of Fear

There are inevitably times in our lives where uncertainties rise and we suddenly find ourselves precariously vulnerable to the unknown.

In the past, fear has largely dictated my response and thus, I’ve found myself repeating eerily similar patterns – resulting in marginal satisfaction.

I cannot stress enough, the severity of running from our life’s purpose and the important lessons that we alone are meant to overcome. Life-long programming has time and time again, led me astray – trusting the path that others have laid before me; their beckoning, my weakness.

Empathy is a profoundly misunderstood attribute of human beings.

Again, the inability to say, “No” and to simply agree with other people’s insights into what is best for me has led to immense suffering and dissatisfaction. Parents, friends, partners, institutions, etc. – all binders whose “best intentions” have served as a detriment to my well being.

“To be clear, I can only speak on my own life experience and what I’ve gained from it – my perspective glance coming from a detached viewpoint as helpful insights to learning from my karmic lessons. I’m placing no blame on anyone and take responsibility for how my life has played out.”

Repression from allowing our inner expression to reveal itself openly has largely constricted my individual soul growth. An entire decade has passed, since I walked away from routine mental abuse and still to this day, face its clutches.

The more aware we become, the more denial we shed.

How our mind can allow so much pain, sorrow and guilt or grief to inhibit us is both a hopeless and miraculous phenomena. There are times when I can be inexplicably happy for days and weeks before overwhelming despair suddenly befalling me.

Being empathetic is like taking a dose of everyone’s life that you encounter – a whirlwind of confusion and mismatched emotional patterns that can be untimely for such a sensitive person.

Accepting who and what I am over and over is what’s required of me to overcome mind and fear.

Sobriety is the choice to face reality, absent the many buffers and attachments we have – affecting every level of our nature. I’ve felt my greatness in the past and chose to shy away from it – out of fear. Instead, I basked in the numbness of alcohol, poor dietary habits and marijuana – even cigarettes.

I knew, I was holding myself back.

Surrendering to a ‘comfort’ substance – fasting from it long enough to differentiate between when I’m identifying with it vs. identifying with my higher self perspective has been a test of true strength and commitment to leading a simpler, more purposeful life, now.

Addiction is always an escape from something we are unwilling to face about ourselves and accepting our rites of passage. There is a source from which every habit, compulsion or addiction stems. We can alleviate this through intensive healing and forgiveness. Not originating someplace outside ourselves, but from within.

Recognition of our body-complex and how it can be utilized to better serve others in a way that has been bestowed upon us to freely and innately express helps us identify clearly with beneficial states of health.

Being sober does not liberate us in any way, nor does it define us either.

The truth is, truly sobering and can at first seem dull in appearance. Molting a residual layer of identity to reveal a fresh perspective can be a temperamental experience. Vulnerability heightened and a pain-filled, yet open heart exposed is where we transcend beyond illusory confinement.

We’ve merely chosen to accept more responsibility into our life experience as a way to shine more light within and around us. A moral path to greater understanding and commitment to more than just ourselves. Freedom [from attachment] to co-create in alignment with our higher calling.

Constant attunement with our higher, innately-feeling nature promotes its expression in one’s self and from encouraging others.

Detachment from material possessions and the incessant need to spend or seek validation for our existence and worth. Addiction comes in many faces, shapes and forms. Nothing but time has offered allowance of my actions to reveal a road map – where I’m headed and where I’ve been. The present moment serving as an indicator of what’s to come and determine whether history will repeat itself.

We cannot know suffering, until we’ve risen from it.

To be clear, this is the path less chosen – not for the faint of heart to embrace. No different than suicide, addiction is the path of non-resistance to our darkest depths of destruction and leaves a terrible wake for many generations to pass. It’s been so easy, to be enraged by those who persist – their destructive habits affecting others around them; even from great distances apart.

Alas, it is I who is standing in judgement and ridicule of no other than myself.

More challenging than sobriety itself, has been forgiving myself for my actions and negligence while under the influence of some habit or addiction. The people we influence greatly in subtle, yet insidious ways. The toxic nature of addiction can be suffocating and to persevere long enough that we are for a time, released by it and nurturing ourselves more soundly is worth the journey.

My anger ebbs and flows – ultimately, I’m always faced with the acceptance of who I am, when presented with reflections of others within myself and greater awareness of who or more precisely, what I am [or what we are]. In the end, it’s me who requires change – acceptance of myself, choosing to act appropriately and bowing to grace as I do what’s best for my highest self.

Forgiveness heals.

Despite the outward appearance, I see suffering amongst those who have more than plenty in their lives – more suffrage than the homeless beggar. It’s our selfish pride that blinds us and perpetuates barriers to our humanity. With sacrifice comes great humility and virtue. Weaknesses can become new strengths while old habits die.

So little fear truly exists, yet neither does time – how much of that space we choose to propagate fear or how present and attentive we remain determines that inner, overall wealth that is inherently ours to take with us when we go.