Yesterday, I was angry at the world and at myself.
Last night, I was reduced to tears and felt down on myself—having exhausted my energy reserves by being so closed off all day.
I grew up hearing and eventually projecting the words, fag, queer, n*gger, sp*c, sl*t and b*tch. My own grandfather may have been the first to literally point out and make a racial slur towards a Native American and about n*ggers to me when I was only a few years old.
This was commonplace where I lived—at least in the circle of people I was so heavily influenced by. A less than peaceful family arrangement, where words manifest as mental and emotional violence also affected my own good nature—slowly deteriorating whatever innocence was left within from a young age, onward.
I’m not here to vilify these people however, nor condone myself for who I once was—before I awoke.
Words like this were muttered unconsciously by a handful of my male, adult role models on a regular basis, whether they realized what they were saying or even truly meant to. I understand their own indiscretions; that this is largely a generational phenomenon. However, as a conscious adult, it’s been up to me to break this cycle—especially knowing now, just how much it poisons the heart and mind of self and others.
It’s taken it’s toll on my wellbeing and I am at times ashamed to acknowledge the hatred that embodied me of which I lived out for so long.
This ignorant hate-speech was nonetheless imprinted upon my young, malleable brain and mind (right, wrong or indifferent). My heart was closed off–I lived in fear. I was angry and hostile. My parents had no idea what to do about my rage and so they largely left me to my own devices.
I certainly didn’t know what to do with my own adolescent, raging hormones, confusion and rejection of self. Oddly, it was this same group of individuals for the most part, who conversely taught me the value of love, understanding and togetherness. That may be hard to conceive, but I guess what I’m getting at, is that hatred and violence are not merely black and white (not a pun).
Loving people can be afflicted with bigotry, self-loathing and hatred at the same time. We are multi-colored in that sense. We’re all not so different, once we realize the plethora of stigmas, programming and issues we’re all faced with each day. Some of it is mental in nature and a chemical imbalance may very well cause such strain in one’s perception.
I realized how wrong they were—how wrong I was and that hatred is poisonous and obscene; it insults my soul.
These literal slang words taught me to hate others based on their complexion, sexual orientation or for simply being different—unlike ‘us’. I was rejecting myself, when staring into the mirror of others. These word were flung around, mixed into my everyday, ignorant speech patterns and until I moved away from all of that prejudice, I was simply oblivious to how toxic my thoughts and feelings towards others (and self) were.
Not to exclude how toxic it is for any human, no matter their age, to be predisposed to such filthy language and ideals (in my personal opinion). I’ve gone to great lengths over the years to avoid people like this—often times now, choosing to keep my own company, just so there’s some peace and sanctity within. We’re so susceptible to suggestion. Words imprint upon our soul-makeup. We learn to believe in these words. We start to identify with them and live them out.
Logic and reason will never solve this, but love can.
Hate crimes are senseless and every hater and perpetrator is a wounded child within. This is important to realize. I am different and am very feminine in nature, as a Libra male—which has made other grown males uncomfortable to be around me over the years. I had to hide my own sensitivities for a long time—burying my empathy and inherent nature with substance abuse, etc. All of this, to be accepted—which only brought misery upon me.
It took me decades to embrace my own sexuality, feelings of self-worth and to stop shaming myself for being uniquely me, amongst billions of other unique human beings. I’m happy that I’m in touch with my masculine and feminine traits which are a universal part of each and every one of us too.
Yin and yang.
Space away from all of the ignorance I used to be surrounded by has taught me that I am a compassionate and understanding human being. I empathize greatly and when I hear harsh tones, I literally cringe as though I’m being poked by thousands of needles. It bruises my sensibilities internally and haunts my thoughts. I’m angered, then saddened—followed by a moment of insight where I can again see where all of this hatred stems from.
Parents: your words echo throughout your children’s young lives and they are imprinting upon everything you’re saying while observing every one of your behaviors each day. Our subconscious does not skip a beat. It’s recording everything and processing infinitely more than what the conscious mind needs to know in order to survive and carry out routine tasks each day.
They’re learning from us but fortunately, if we’re willing to listen, there is truly so much that our children have to share with us as well. We have much to learn and our children need our support and a proper structure, moving into this new paradigm. We’re witnessing much of what’s now over, etherically—meaning what we observe on the material plane, follows what happens energetically.
This is why it’s so dearly important to teach them love, understanding and tolerance now—today. It’s never too late to reach a child. We simply need to meet them where they’re at. We must learn to listen intently to what they have to impart upon us. They’re our elders, returned and we are more like their children in that regard.
It’s important to teach ourselves love of self too.
I’ve learned personally, that I simply could not love effectively, until I began to love myself. Even the greatest atrocities birth new hope and ideologies, such as the wake of this most recent tragedy many of us are aware of (#Orlandoshooting).
Let us learn from this century’s mistakes.
Let us not traverse the same trail as we have in the past.
It’s time to forge new horizons, new ideologies and we must learn to respect, honor and privilege all life here. Everyone matters. We’re all equally important and we all need one another to grow and thrive. Even the most hateful person needs love and this is something we can learn to focus on and teach others: to love unconditionally.