I want it. I want to bite into it—like a vampire, whose victim has been lured in by their own intoxicating desires. I want her to be seduced by my own primal nature—free to unleash her own and to love wildly. I want to be intoxicated by her—inside her; her taste; her juices; her scent.
Just over two years of celibacy has gone by surprisingly easy and I’ve learned an immense amount about women and myself—their needs and my own, including the shadow aspects of sex I thought I should ignore.
Not by choice—I mean sort of, but not really.
This is just the way the cards have been dealt and by no means has this been a bad thing (or necessarily easy). I recognize for myself personally, that I have a few basic needs and a few coping mechanisms or habits that get me through and pacify my experience at times.
Maybe a hyper sex-drive is natural, I seriously don’t know. I’m aware of women with equal sex-drives but I feel deep down that there are underlying issues. Should I feel guilty about being so driven about my sexual nature and desires?
I feel like it’s something that should be talked about more. Am I a freak? Should I satiate these desires?
I’ve learned that jumping into a relationship to compensate for this ‘lack’ isn’t the answer for me.
From a young age, I was sexually aware. Nothing that was taught to me, it was just imprinted upon my soul make-up. The biology, attraction, allure and mystery all fascinated me. It often times feels like I’m picking up on pheromonal, energetic, sexual, tantric, intoxicating energies from the ethers.
Every few moons, I turn.
Like a werewolf, I just cut loose. I long for a feeding frenzy. I’m maddened by the trail of love surrounding me; the lust, missed opportunities, chase, eluding capture and painful realizations of delusional fantasy—the orchestration of temporary flights of fancy that soon fade.
Some of the ways I’ve learned to overcome what I feel is a very real addiction (chemical imbalance) and quite honestly, a mental condition include Reiki and regular bouts of sobriety. Life has a way of steering me into and away from different vices and women are one of them.
Oddly enough, the more I fiend over satiating these needs, the longer that mysterious love I wish for eludes me (no wonder). I seriously question if a lover who can temper my cravings would help my soul heal it’s karmic wound related around my sexual nature.
This may remain a solitary path of discovery.
I wish to experience a healthy sex life, including the exploration of any pent up needs, wants or even fetishes that should be revealed, discussed and experimented with a fitting partner. Maybe someone who we can confide in will be willing to help us identify whether our desires are healthy, addictive or maybe a coping mechanism.
The answer clearly, in my mind is that there’s definitely something karmically related—a hedonistic ideal. A past life experience perhaps. Sexual abuse could be related. Maybe there’s some value here for others to consider why they’re drawn to relationship, whether their sexual needs are being met, starved or abused, whether some form of mental dis-ease is present or if one is in perfect harmony with both their desires and fulfillment.
At the same time, I’m aware that maybe some of my habits and coping mechanisms can use some introspection—some things for me to work on further, so I might align to someone who’s also attuned with their body’s higher states of health; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
So how do we cope?
I’m learning not to shame myself for succumbing to what are best described as overwhelming feelings of arousal. I find outlets for this creative energy to flow (not all of which I’d consider healthy). Sometimes I write about what I’m experiencing. I’m learning to open up my channels, e.g. Reiki. I surrender to it. If it must be contained, I find space for it to reveal itself again for transmutation while allowing its expression to liberate itself—remaining intensely present throughout.
There’s no real comfortable way to come out and talk about this, but I think it’s important. Maybe I need to learn Tantra so I might learn more about this sexual energy which has coursed through me with vicious repetition, ever since grade school.
Would a sexually aggressive mate help or hinder us like this story’s unfolded in the past?
I’ve learned, I need someone who can temper my strong desires, not someone who fans the flame of compulsion. It doesn’t seem to be a secret that many people (even those in relationships) are lonely. Bless the few who are in healthy relationships (especially with self). I’m motivated to improve my own habits, behaviors and needs but it’s important to me that my soul imprints are acknowledged and embraced.
I wish to work on what needs healed and I can only imagine being with a partner who can peer through the veil and still accept me—until then, I continue seeking safe passages of sexual expression as an evolving human.