There’s no sense to make why I love you.
I could drive myself crazy trying to analyze it and figure out how we might make it all work out.
That’s all irrelevant.
It may never come to pass.
There’s still so much that either of us has yet to learn of the other.
I’m still hiding and I know you are too.
We seek the creature comforts that are around us and continue relying on the relationships that hold it all together, yet are far from being even close to perfect or desirable.
For whatever reasons, which really do not matter.
Except, there’s infinite meaning in it all.
The way we secretly love one another while still loving all the others around us who need that loving expression from us too.
We wander about aimlessly.
In mind and in the streets.
Sometimes at midnight and others, before the pre-dawn light reveals itself.
I lie in bed sometimes and weep because I’m alone and so are you—even though you lie there right now too with someone else, in their arms.
Nothing can keep me from thinking about you often.
Isolation, distraction and especially the things I love to do the most for recreation, fulfillment and happiness still pale in comparison to imagining you there with me.
The thought of revealing my true nature to you, despite having done so to others many, many times before…
I’m 100% certain, from the get-go that I’d accept you wholly.
I want you to show me your dark side.
Scream at me…
Tell me you hate me in the heat of the moment.
Fall into my arms when you too begin weeping while you apologize for being so cruel.
I’ll do it too.
Not because either of us hates the other but because we know we can unleash what lies pent up within without feeling like we’ll be condoned or abandoned.
That’s what’s so important to a loving, successfully imperfect relationship.
Despite all of its dysfunction, we love one another immensely…more than words.
It’s all feeling.
Our struggles are our own, yet the moment we surrender to them, we remember why it’s so valuable that we’ve chosen a committed partnership.
Yet, this hasn’t happened to me.
I’m still waiting…for that one who will accept me wholly.
I’ve already accepted her.
For now, I focus on letting her go, because her life is elsewhere.
She’s leading hers and I must do the same.
To be strong for someone we love so much has less to do with being together in physicality and more to do with offering that energetic love, virtue, unwavering commitment and strength when they least realize it.
The small things in life are the most important, like a moment of space where we hold positive, loving intention before releasing it to the Universe to go to work on our behalf.
The more I try to manufacture love, the further from me you seem to get.
Once I let go for a time and get back to focusing on what’s right in front of me, the closer you appear.
I can feel it.
Remembering not to expect any return, I do so thanklessly or without regard for her knowing or understanding.
Meaning, I’m learning to cultivate that platonic love without hoping that someday she’ll come around.
If I were totally hopeless, I’d believe she might.
If I were totally certain, she never would.
If I simply let go and let things be what they are, she seems to remain somewhat close.
I’m not sure I can even fall in love with another woman because of the way I feel about her.
Understanding this helps me to continue down the path of self-improvement and enrichening my own life.
What will be, will be.
Accepting all outcomes is what I’ve learned is best.
Visualizing a life that suites me is the only way I can fathom attracting that soul mate to me eventually.
Whether it’s her or another.
My heart’s open and ready to be swept away in love.
For now, I offer what I can when I can—in silence.
It would be undignified to intervene in her life.
She’s made her choices and I’ve made mine.
Both of our defiant natures bring out the stubbornness within.
Neither will likely be fully transparent when it comes to actually speaking about how we’re truly feeling.
It’s not practical.
It doesn’t make sense.
It seems impossible.
So, I secede.
“Just let it be.”
“Just love her.”
Nothing more, nothing less.
We all have to go about our lives, because no one is going to swoop in and save us, pick up the broken pieces or complete us.
Embracing that I’m imperfect, incomplete and still unsure of so much leaves much for improvement, soul growth and invaluable life experience.
We’re creating memories and I simply want to know that I loved someone fully despite not having had that opportunity to run rampant through a meadow together, laughed hysterically with until we cried and held one another for hours in silent revelry.
If we’re not going to admit how we truly feel, at least we can feel it—together.
Eternal love is the only real way we can embrace someone else’s unique nature.
Until we learn to accept them and ourselves completely, we’re simply conjuring up struggle and karmic battles that will inevitably repeat themselves until the lessons are learned.
Enshrining our love by being together in physical proximity would entail that we transform our lives to fit the other’s until a mutual compromise is met.
I don’t think either is there, because there’s simply too much to love around us to go off and pretend that bridging the gap would solve all our problems or suddenly make things perfect and harmonious.
If our paths cross eventually because we both choose to walk in the same direction, towards the same destination, then maybe.
Even then, it takes so long to get to know one another, embrace each other’s flaws and accept unconditionally.
This is why so many of us run away from love and all of its glorious imperfections that make us uniquely human—needing, loneliness and longing.
It’s all within and the only way I can imagine deserving her in my arms, is if I can learn to be more accepting of myself, taking care of my own needs and loving myself enough to no longer long for that love.