Each day I wake, having told myself I would not…that I would not hold on.
That I would let go of you—that when I wake, I’ll have let you go.
But this morning, like many mornings I’ve awoken to the delicate whisper of your soul yet again.
“D*mn it!”, I think. “I’m still in love with her!”, relating to how I feel about someone so strongly despite the many feeble efforts I make each day to detach, let go and love without expectation.
The moment she crosses my mind, it’s all over. The first glimpse of her each day and I’m falling again—falling for her all over again.
This woman who haunts my thoughts, desires and dreams—I can’t help the way I feel about her and so often, I’ve tried to discount these feelings and rationalize this behavior as love-lust or an infatuation; ignoring what’s real and passing through me in the present moment.
I’m cultivating love and each day my lesson is to acknowledge it while giving it to the divine for transmutation and expression. I cannot reach out to her and simply say, “I love you, I’m in love with you.”
What am I to do about this very real, nagging feeling that occupies my mind, body, heart and spirit so often?
I suck it up—remembering to love myself first and foremost because needing her this way reminds me of how much I need myself too; that self-love which cannot be relied upon from others for our own personal satisfaction and fulfillment.
The only way I can show up for her is if I’m loving myself sufficiently because I want to be there for her, not as a bystander but as someone who will patiently await her request for me to help lift her up when she’s fallen.
It’s not my job to rush in and save her nor is it my job to await (or expect) her fall. But I know that part of being human is to fall and get back up again. I simply wish to be that man who is there for her when it happens, that’s all—if she would accept my hand when I extend it to her.
That’s what I call an undying expression of love…to be there for someone in need.
Sometimes we simply need to be there, holding space—not making sense of it or trying to examine things too closely. Sometimes our heart simply wants us to stay put and to be there if or when a fall occurs. Even if we’re thousands of miles apart, we can be there for someone—in spirit, as that soothing voice of reassurance or simply a battering wall for them to lash out at defiantly and impersonally, dispelling their torment.
The woman I imagine loving would do it for me, so I will do the same for her.
Because I care—for reasons that cannot be explained. Because I love her and that too cannot be explained.
Yet, I cannot be with her even though I’d choose her in a heartbeat if she ever had that change of heart.
I’d cross an ocean for her if she asked me too, because I’ve chosen love as the compass needle that guides my life. Not career, or income or material possessions to sustain my inner and outer prosperity, but love.
It’s the guiding force of all that is so why not let love guide us to where we’re meant to be?
Does this mean that some fairytale ending will take place and that she will one day be in my arms?
No. It means that I’ve been granted an opportunity to love someone who stirs my soul from so deep within, I tremble. It means that I’ve found meaning in loving someone else while learning to accept myself too. She coaxes my vulnerable nature to the surface where she can truly see who I am at my core.
I simply stand, in reverence to her—head bowing to her divine feminine majesty; because I recognize her for who she truly is and I love her flawed nature as though it were perfection in every moment.
Unconditional love and acceptance arises from loving ourselves and platonically loving others for who they truly are, whether that’s clear to us or not. She’s in the throes of her own romance with another man and I have to accept that.
I cannot expect her to leave him for me or that my hand is the one she’ll ask for when she’s in need. I cannot expect my own life to meld around hers simply because I’m in love with her. This inevitably causes me some pain, duress and a little suffering and in the past this would have been ten-fold. It’s because I’m resisting the eternal nature of our bond that already exists and has long before this reunion here in this place in time.
So each day, I open—I open my heart to her because this is where my compass needle points and when it hurts, I know that the only real, valuable service I am to her is when I’m as complete as I can be; when I’m leading my own life in all of it’s imperfectly flawed splendor.
Today, I simply realize that no matter what, life is happening right here and now around me—my life is here right in front of me. I can imagine a life with her but I must also ground myself here to my present reality. I cannot waver from my own decision-making and journey that I’ve embarked upon for so long now—alas, she is on her own as well.
There’s no guarantee we’ll ever be together but that’s the beauty of uncertainty—that at any moment something significant could change in our lives if we’d but accept change as part of the equation to fulfilling these longings.
Until or if that ever happens, I’ve already begun cultivating love—for both of us. I don’t worry about missing out on what could have been, because what is, is happening right now and my love embodies her spirit just like I know her’s is eternally present within me too.
What continually comes to mind is to simply love her, to accept where she’s at in her journey and that all is perfect already. She’s a part of my life and for that much I’m ever thankful. We are developing a bond and are creating space for one another in our lives on whatever capacity is respectful of our circumstances.
For this, I am eternally grateful.