For the past two and a half years I’ve been a bachelor and have experienced very little romance since that time.
There are multiple factors that come into play as to why I’ve largely chosen to remain alone or maybe more accurately, why I’ve been chosen to remain single for now.
Despite having a very vivid appreciation for physical beauty and attractive women (in addition to their intellect, wisdom and what stirs their soul), there is so much soul work for me to accomplish personally that I’d likely be repeating many of the mistakes I’ve made in the past with other former girlfriends that still need to be worked out, resolved and overcome.
Is it difficult at times not having my sexual desires fulfilled?
Yes indeed. I miss that intimacy and companionship—even the moments that are difficult and make relationships challenging.
Have I embraced celibacy?
Do I still masturbate?
Of course—we need to explore, exhibit and express our sexuality some way or another and I guess until the right woman comes along then this is the answer and also part of the cure.
You see, I was largely unconscious in previous relationships—acting out parental behaviors that no longer serve who I truly am. I also used to have an unhealthy sex habit and it’s taken quite some time to alleviate those desires because I was merely masking over aspects of myself that had remained repressed.
Self-worth for example and the reality that my partners too were very sexually dependent in addition to us being empathetic led to emotional whirlwinds of sexual energy that needed to be satiated night and day on average.
It still churns in my belly, those sexual desires—even at the mere thought of my last partner who taught me the value of transcendental sexual expression where it became difficult to differentiate between waking and dreaming reality while in the throes of lovemaking and sexual gratification.
Multiple orgasms, oral sex and exploration of fetishes in addition to uninhibited sexual interaction without holding anything against one another equated to an incredible sex life despite an incredibly toxic relationship surrounding it.
This is no way to self-soothe one’s habit or dependency by the way—at least not from a health standpoint and does not satiate the virtues of our mind, body and spirit. We were basking in the depths of a hedonistic pleasure-pain relationship.
It poisons the mind, perpetuates an imbalanced chakra-system and represses the unbridled expression of our spiritual nature.
I was selfish and so was she but alas, we were young and couldn’t keep our hands off one another.
The value of what truly lay within our beautiful relationship was distorted by a mutual need for sex along with all of our repressed familial issues that were inevitably brought up into our story time and time again.
Obviously, this is the reflective nature of relationships and the necessary shadow work that is required for soul growth and is not often pretty.
From an empathic standpoint, at least while one is learning about their own inherent sensitivities, it can be incredibly hard to distinguish just who we are and who we’re not—the lines continually blurred and that separation incredibly hard to decipher.
Two people who connect emotionally in this way, while they’re still learning how to be themselves wholly will ultimately suffer until we learn how to shield and create healthy boundaries.
Deep acceptance of one another is vital so that when space is required, it can be granted without one partner taking offense to it.
So you see, until we’ve learned to largely overcome many of our own karmic battles of which I’m thankful I have, we’re more likely to attract partners that would only bring out this old energy existent in us and the vicious cycle would only continue to perpetuate itself.
Speaking for myself, I’m here to change and grow—hopefully someday with someone else by my side who I can share honest, deep and abiding intimacy with in addition to that healthy sex life and ultimate spiritual and intellectual connection as well.
Until then, I masturbate—but in all seriousness, I focus on the self-work and offering insights to those who are still in the whirlwind of similar experiences right now. That’s my purpose for the time being.
It’s not my duty to get involved with the same story again so that this next person can witness their own reflection because I don’t want to re-live this kind of heartache.
I wish to transcend what no longer serves because my wish is to become more fully who I truly am in hopes that someday, this miraculous woman will enter my life that’s also done the same.
I feel this deeply. I know it to be true because the universe has tested me on this (old lovers appearing out of the fold for example).
I love and appreciate each of my former lovers in different ways and am truly happy that we’re now friends. They’ve all taught me how to love and accept a little more about myself so that I may truly love me more fully and love them for exactly who they are—seeing each one of them in a new light without attachment.
Believe me, it’s tempting to knock on old doors and to delve back into what our intuition assures us is nothing different than it was before.
Being a male and having an inexplicable urge to procreate (reproduce) remains alive within me to this very day but needs to be tempered at the same time (spirit tempering the mind; mind tempering the body).
I fantasize about experiencing that cosmic level of sex again but now with someone of whom I will look at and appreciate the other 80% – 90% of the time as my friend and companion first and foremost.
What really matters is how well two people get along as imperfect human beings and whether our flaws are accepted unconditionally for as long as this temporary union might last.
The lucky ones make it last a lifetime.
From my standpoint, sex will mean less and less as time goes on while relationship, togetherness and bonding will mean more and more.
I do not know what all still remains within my shadow self that requires expression, reflection and reconciliation—aspects that only my next partner can and will ultimately conjure up within myself as well as reflect. All that I’ve been through, learned from and overcome is still only some of what dwells within.
Whoever she is, the next love of my life will inevitably show me even more about myself as I will her and that’s worthy of waiting for as a self-respecting, perfectly flawed yet aware and slightly more liberated human being.