So many times in the past, I naturally retreated into fear as an escape to avoid the unencumbered sorrow and pain that love otherwise forces us to bear.
Choosing to self-soothe with alcohol or anger—these emotional tidal waves sequestered while I bathed myself in indignant disgrace.
Repressing my authentic nature until I’d eventually cave caused untold suffering to others, not just me.
At the time, it had simply not registered, that pain is meant to be delved into and its origins examined so that we might discover the meaning behind the messages that speak through our soul’s reckoning.
Years passed by as my sense of self remained closed off—my mind insisting that all was well and that substances such as alcohol would cure the affliction—unaware that I was masking my authentic nature and opportunities for growth through denial, shame and guilt (amongst many other forms of self-repression).
A hedonistic nature, dwelling in the depths of disparity appeared pleasurable and fulfilling on the surface but ultimately proved to be my sickness—my perversion or predicament; that of a lonesome, despairing human being absent the life-force energy that offers true surrender, vitality and servitude which is our highest calling to answer.
For so long, I stubbornly believed that there was nothing wrong with me. My actions were confounded and the blame always belonged to someone else.
Even now, I must at times examine whether I’m open or closed off to my sensitive, feeling nature and whether I’m masking genuine emotions with counterfeit acts or am open to their suggestions.
As long as we’re here in these physically dense bodies we’ll inevitably deal with the immense vocabulary of emotional trials and must ultimately face each dilemma with an open heart and receptive mind as well.
Alas, we must persist. It’s taken a long time to allow my wounds to remain open no matter how much it stings while coping with the suffering that goes along with it—many dark nights of the soul and despairing moments of existential loneliness included.
Revelations were brought to light and forgiveness the antidote to each emotional laceration I’ve endured—at times, triumphant and others, utterly annihilating me; to be revisited again at some later date.
The duality is that our sensitive natures are trampled on and then we turn around and carelessly trample over someone else’s heart—this vicious cycle lasting as long as we remain unconscious of our behaviors.
By opening up, vulnerability may finally seek its precious expression which is one way through each upset—allowing ourselves to be at the whim of these unseen, yet inexplicably painful feelings expressed either inwardly or out through body language, verbal cues or actions.
Burying our emotions is like poisoning our inherent goodness, that innocent child within and eventually affects those around us in a negative fashion as well.
There are days when I feel as though I’ve succumbed to a numbing, unfeeling nature and wonder if I’m a truly authentic person. Other days pass and it’s nearly impossible to erase the grin from my glowing face and the energy from my beaming heart-center—cheer lifting me so high, there’s a bounce in every step; a glide in every motion.
Life can feel so glorious one day and devastating the next and sometimes all of the above from one moment to the next.
I don’t know if we’re supposed to analyze every emotion that passes through us but maybe instead, simply accept them and let them flow while we continually learn to control how we express and react to them.
Writing can be incredibly beneficial along with reading. Music also works for some and long nature walks for others. Focusing on creativity or spending time outdoors influences our feel-good vibes to arise and helps soothe such depressive states that overcome so many of us.
The pain that’s mated to each of our wounds is here to remind us of the persecution we’ve received and likely delivered at some point (this life or the last) and the opportunity to act in kindness instead of fear is always an option—especially kindness to ourselves.
This is a way we can sever karma and reconcile deeds done—cause and effect laws that are universally immutable.
So what motivates us to open our hearts after so many heartbreaks and episodes?
Love is what motivates me to open my heart up, no matter how painful it might be to delve inward because the alternative in the past was literally killing me—causing untold suffering to my loved ones and others. This, I cannot accept and will never forget how harshly I’ve been treated. I deplore abuse toward others and by no means claim perfection but I am conscious enough now in life to be mindful of whether I’m hurting someone or not. If so, I change the error of my ways.
I open up; allow my empathy to guide my inner expression of love and acceptance. I seek compassion for even the most difficult of people to deal with because the lesson from all of this has taught me that they are suffering the most and are the most unloved—unable to love themselves sufficiently enough to end the cycle of torment and agony.
Whatever the trigger, remember its origin. Embrace the memories and perform such acts that inspire our heart’s re-awakening—allowing this energy to transmute whatever’s harboring our sadness or heartache.
Physical ailments are a symptom of one’s inability to effectively assimilate their feelings in a healthy manner. Their origins stem from a withering mind and repressed spiritual expression—that authentic child whose love is unwavering; longing for us to once again recognize who we truly are and always will be.
It’s through our suffering that we can liberate the expression of truth and love—the prevailing mystery of our feeling nature overwhelming any logical identification with it. There may be an experience which triggered such feelings but it’s how we react that ultimately transforms its expression and the new-found peace that serves our well-being rather than slowly deteriorating it.
When we’ve put ourselves out there and confessed a profound truth only to be shunned, shut down, pushed away or rejected, remember that in these moments we’re offered the chance to explore further within ourselves what this all ultimately means no matter how much it hurts our soul.
Strength is born through weakness—when we have succumbed, we’ve given into our higher self’s yearning for us to shed these unwanted energies and we are thus changed; we are liberated from the confines of each trauma born through these necessary life experiences. An alchemical reaction occurs. We grow.
Never give up on allowing each feeling to voice its nature in a healthy fashion—a part of our consciousness that deserves its healthy expression. We are our own prisoner and captor. The key is our own forgiveness and willingness to let go.
It’s the reflection of other’s actions and behaviors that often lends us the insights into our own self and who we truly are. Persecuting them is persecuting ourselves—abandoning the beautiful nature that the universe wishes for us to learn from through the dark, cavernous tunnels of self-expression and free-will.
Remember, we’re here to grow and to love—learned through every act of splendor or tragedy.