It’s like a time-bomb set to go off at any moment—we put ourselves out there, are shutdown, rejected, turned away, etc. and suddenly the rip-tide of emotion sets in.
A gale force blow to our ego, heart and to the pit of our stomach too.
How do we not feel with such intensity when we think we’ve met someone?
“Why do I even try?” I ask myself.
Why don’t I just accept that maybe it is best if I remain alone, single—without that someone, who each time I feel it could be her only to be proven wrong once again.
My faith in finding that match begins to wane.
I know that once I’m alone, I’ll sob so that I might release whatever it is inside that has been building up—the anticipation, the wondering and pain that envelopes naturally.
Emotionally outcast yet again…
Damn, what is it about this game we call love that makes it so tiresome, lonely and unrelenting and why do we insist on persisting?
Through these tough times where we lay our emotional self on the line, stepping across the coals of lust and desire only to get burned once again, we learn something—a little more about ourselves and that we are highly sensitive people despite the minute fractures that scar our temperamental beating hearts.
For months we thrive on being single and then someone comes along and an attraction ensues. It’s not always quite clear how they feel and yet a story is already being written in our minds.
Am I just crazy to feel this way?
And so we shed a few tears and have likely even beaten ourselves up mentally—punishing our emotional body for entertaining such notions that we’re not good enough or attractive enough, etc.
Something I’ve begun to practice while I lie there, my pillow case soaking up the salty rain that streams down my cheeks is to let go of the mind chatter—my father’s words echoing in my mind that I’m an idiot, actually believing what he used to say to me is true and why I continue bullying myself to this very day.
Letting the emotions flow for as long as they need to until we feel better, soothed—which has always been the case except now, without the judgement attached to our expectations that have failed us, despite our assurance we could let go.
So many wrongs out there, where is my right?
What does the Universe intend for me if I am to remain single?
Perhaps the timing is off or they’re simply not the right fit.
Is this punishment or am I simply unsuitable for someone great?
Maybe it’s time to introspect once again—time to check in with myself to see if maybe there’s more work to be done regarding self-development.
Alas, another will come along who will stir my male nature and make my heart pound.
Will I try—am I willing to give it another go?
Is there some clue that I’m missing here, that maybe I ought to wait until there’s a steadfast signal that she’ll make me aware of—or do I just continue playing the fool?
I’m afraid there’s no answer to this play we’re acting out on center-stage where one folly leaves us flailing wildly in the opposite direction of love’s embroiled drama. To be brave enough to feel greatly comes at its own cost but I cannot imagine not letting these emotions liberate themselves, to seek expression and to act courageously—through me.
Bravery may be disguised by the appearance of foolishness but only the fool is brave enough to act where others have failed to even try.
If anyone were to come up to me with a story similar to this one, I’d reinforce their devotion and commitment to such a cause—that the only way through this life is to swim through every moment of bliss and heart-felt pain; each moment we suffer for that one we believe our hearts have fallen for and the torment that follows each upset.
Shed those tears without guilt or shame god damn-it—never give up on love for it is the one unifying force that ensures such deeds may prevail.
I swear to the heavens for giving me such a gift and yet I praise the glory that this life has revealed to me—every infatuation, each moment of delusional fantasy we conjure up when that spark is reignited once again.
Is this all in vain or will we eventually triumph?
I’ll assure you that there’s no victory if we do not show up—authentically, with humility and honesty. There’s nothing wrong with anyone who puts themselves out there, especially when faced with the reality of defeat.
We pick ourselves up again, we dust ourselves off and we keep going—this life is animated by those who give a damn about it and there’s no room on the sidelines for love to wallow.
In some cases, yes there are many, many fish in the proverbial sea of stormy love and unrelenting currents that will sweep us into its undertow. Breathless, frightened, disoriented and confused—we muster whatever strength that dwells deep within our spirit; lifting us up to new heights without realizing it at first.
We walk upon this earth plane with dignity in our hearts and a battle-torn shield shining an impenetrable light—like a lighthouse beacon which our mate will eventually see so that neither they nor we are pummeled by the crashing tides, thunderous skies, lightning strikes or cliffy crags that would otherwise send us into the depths of oblivion; the frigid, midnight seas of despair.
No one claimed I’d lead an easy life although many have attempted to pave it for me. Each time, I’ve chosen to step off that path and trail-blaze my own instead. Every pretty face or sweet smile has taught me something about the frenzied faculties of the heart and its insistence that we steer into its desires for us to learn—something more; something illogical; something bittersweet and eternal.
We must trust matters of the heart. I have no explanation as to why but I know through personal experience that if we retreat into our mind, we’ll surely succumb to a tragic life of sorrow and regret—shame and guilt.
No woman or man wants to see their lover with their head hanging low. If we are to recognize that potential mate someday, we must be looking up—standing tall and defiantly proud of whom we’ve become despite the torrent of failures and confusion that occupy this nature of love and ache.
When it’s all said and done, our glistening eyes will speak for us—that we showed up, we gave it our all, we tried and failed yet picked up the pieces of ourselves, damaged and scarred; our insignia.
This is what the woman or man we deserve will recognize—emanating from within our majestic, beautiful souls, our heart’s strength.