For every ounce of hardship, bloody sacrifice or heartfelt pain that we inexplicably endure throughout our lives, there are those rare, eternal moments when we can simply sink down within ourselves, take a deep, relaxing breath and enjoy those splendid rays of bliss–redeeming moments of utter pleasure and genuine delight.
Easily taken for granted and foolishly believing it will last, my smile widens and the world glistens, appearing perfect in its rawest form. Wisdom has taught me to appreciate these times, express my gratitude and to just let it flow.
What spurs such emotional surges of elation?
Perhaps it’s born from the tireless hours, days, nights and weekends we’ve so fervently devoted to our craft and the relentless servitude that burns a searing hole in our soul. Maybe it’s that break we finally caught or the promotion we know we’ve longed for and truly deserve.
I had an epiphany recently. It was such a simple concept that I’ve been too busy overlooking while feverishly toiling over what I thought I should be focusing on. Years have gone by and it has remained a part of my life like two inseparable mates; the discovery of my writing potential, not due to my own observation but the continued mention and compliments from others over time. Or the day I switched from being an avid photographer to dreaming of becoming a film-maker after finally hitting record on my DSLR to reveal an innate talent which until then had eluded me. Five years of intense research and development–designing equipment I dearly sought to prototype, test and market to the public with the possibility I might create a lucrative living doing so someday.
Why did it take so long for me to accept the gifts that I was born to pursue?
Chasing every winding path throughout the perilous unknown, helping others succeed in their endeavors while masking my own inability to believe in myself because of my own perceived self-worth issues; playing charades with my own delicate and temperamental life. For the last three years, I’ve begun an intense transformational self-development and healing journey. At times, I was unsure how I’d ever escape the clutches of darkness, despair and hopelessness.
Again and again, I succumbed to circumstance and fear, settling and convincing myself that this path was the one each time. Betraying my higher self’s calling which ceaselessly, yet subtly beckoned me to embrace my desires. Through all of this though, I’ve learned the immensity of my true nature, the costs of being an entrepreneur and the risks worthy of every last breath we’ll harbor to see our work through.
No matter how impossible some of these aspirations have seemed, I persisted. I gave up so much; sacrificed more than I imagine the average person would be willing to do. I endured extreme duress and mental torment while navigating the sea of emotions that cascaded forth and into the light of day. Shimmering tears and a soothing inner voice reassured me that by morning, I’d feel rejuvenated.
Anything to escape the other voice which would have held me hostage in perpetuity had I not learned to defend myself and rise above the self-imposed nightmares–shedding the illusion of my mind’s pervasive tactics.
The alternative however, an underlying belief that motivated me to push through the difficult times and strive for something–anything that offered that glimmer of hope and abiding fulfillment. I slowly learned to embrace obscurity and shed layers of my ego personality that brazenly held onto lavish ideas and distractions that simply did not resonate with my being.
I began to let go–little by little; one possession at a time; relationships that no longer fit the dynamics of where my life was headed. I was steering my soul into the abyss–unknown waters plagued with danger, uncertainty and upheaval. Realizing my shadow’s nature and learning to sit with this part of myself which in the past I simply had no confounded truth of.
Slowly getting over shame and guilt, I began forgiving others and the harder task of forgiving my own mishaps in life; learning to love my authentic self. Mending ways, severing unsuitable relationships and embracing the necessity of burning bridges, I freed myself from torment, liberating this body so it could freely express its unique personality without attachment to others’ judgment or projections.
My own preconceived notions and retreat from trusting the good I now know remained ever-flickering in the caverns of my body and spirit. Shadows danced wistfully upon the cold, dim cave walls that echoed my purpose in life, in form and symbols–my own destined parable to solve and overcome on my own so that my worthiness and confidence might be cultivated, nurtured and tended to regularly; the sunshine of my life peering through the cracks of facade.
Paying attention to the signs around me and trusting the Universe to guide me every step of the way no matter how lost I felt at the time.
Opening like a blossoming lotus and soaking up the plentiful cosmic energy that’s meant to flow through us allowed my creative energy to flow; giving way to my hands and heart to do their work. Spending more time grounding myself in Nature, Mother taught me to get out of my own way; exploring new and radical approaches to confronting this life with more grace and ease. Observing people who had far less than me, when I believed I had so little, I often contemplated the reality of true, unbridled happiness compared to the illusion of such.
Many tears, many cold, dark and lonely nights I wandered aimlessly–gazing up at the moon, wishing for a miracle or a sign. Finally, I’ve begun coming to the conclusion that when we’re faced with odds of which we have no reliable or certain stance or answer to, do nothing.
Opening my consciousness to the barely perceptible subconscious within; that sweet, blonde-haired child who has been whispering to me my entire life was finally heard. Never apart or separate from who and what I am. God, I love that little boy I once was–so tender, loving and innocent. It’s a wonder to me that we would persecute such pure love and light that exudes every child inside our souls–their bravery and commitment to remaining steadfast and loyal to our every need or concern; dauntless, unflinching and unconditionally loving.
No outside source is fully capable of understanding or contemplating the billions of emotions and thoughts we’ll inevitably experience while here for a time–sewn into the fabric of our existence. That wonder and awe, preserved for eternity along with the knowledge that ego dies when we finally part ways with our body–our eternal nature, that child however, remaining ever intact.
What a relief.
It’s time for me to answer this calling and my gifts. I go now, into the unknown; bravery and courage, my sword and shield. May we all summon the courage to act and know when to bow. May we revere what is sacred and innate–never losing sight for too long of what we were so carefully meant to be and do; answering the call of our unique nature.
Despite all that—what now lies in the past, I cherish this passing moment of bliss.