Why does it take so long to grasp that which is simple to comprehend, practice and instill within ourselves and others?
Like asking for what we truly want and feeling like we deserve it. Like asking for help when we need it or helping others when they do. Like believing in myself enough to courageously act and boldly go after what I really want. Like accepting my circumstances as they are and motivating myself to shape the insane life I strive for in my dreams.
Time and time again, I’ve turned back—into fear.
I’ve let go of what I wanted more than anything else to accept the detour and blaring lights attracting me—tempting me to wane from my desires. “This will help me get what I want.”, I assure myself as I choose to sidetrack my life and career one more time. “Many months from now, I will surely be happy still (and content that the things I love most are largely collecting dust).” My aspirations will often stagnate for months on end as I toil over the daily grind to meet my needs first and what I’m passionate about, second.
This year, I’m interested in doing something different. I’ve decided to place my dreams first and foremost; everything else being secondary. The bridge to expansion must be crossed if we are to grow and what better way to meld our craft with our lifestyle then to hone, perfect, persist what we love so much, each day without compromise. My discipline, is the moment and my attention to it as I balance upon this Slackline called life. It’s very treacherous and falling at any time could kill us. Reminding self of this notion assures us that no guarantees exist and that uncertainty can be unfair and swift.
Compromise is a double-edged sword and too many times, I’ve given in to my own fears and the temptation to be bought out or bailed out by accepting circumstances presented to me rather than being decisive and trusting to my own path. Right here though, is where I have so fortunately learned value, simplicity, sacrifice and content—when I was furthest from my goals and ambitions; when it seemed impossible to reach them.
The countless hours, years and youth that I’ve spent to learn and grow. Swimming through desperation, substances and misery so that an ounce of prevention might prevail one day. That glimmer of hope setting beyond the horizon—my signpost that all is never lost. “Keep going…”, a voice inside me whispers. Rarely a day gone by that I’ve not been present with what I love and also detest.
This promise that 40 hours a week (with one or two petty weeks off each year, say whaaat?!?) will buy my happiness and security and that it’s just the way it is. My cookie-cutter lifestyle that I should be so thankful to have and feel complete for being a part of—a productive member or servant of society. A proverbial indentured debt-slave unwittingly shaping planetary demise for the sake of convenience, glamour and profit.
Time and time again, I’ve jumped into the pool, swam around the sh*t for a while, learned some sh*t, tolerated some sh*t and lost my sh*t over stupid sh*t. Paychecks delivered more things and more needs were inevitably bought so they could be met. Had there been a lack of foresight into specific passions or hobbies, I’d have surely lacked the fortitude to work one-third of my life away (going rate at the time) for a variety of equipment, clothing and whatnot to serve me in the future.
My point is that had I simply chosen to drink my paycheck away or buy useless things that serve no real purpose, the tools and resources I so dearly possess now could have never arrived to help me create my masterpiece. Ultimately, no matter what I’ve set out to achieve or do to satiate my desires, I’ve had to hustle so these dreams or aspirations could be realized.
It’s a dangerous habit to rely on self-imposed safety nets that reinforce opportunities for us to fall into again and again when things fail to work out how we thought they should or because life is simply challenging. Sometimes falling hard is the best thing that could happen to us so we can learn swiftly, our scars serving as marks of wisdom and evident ascent into the wild, expansive unknown that is our destiny or calling to oblige.
I’m grateful to every person who gladly helped me out of courtesy and provided for me in ways I was unfit, incapable or unwilling to do for myself at the time. Shelter, employment, encouragement, support, etc. have all been dealt to me throughout my journey exploring the unknown. My path was laid out for me from a young age–before I even realized it, my fate had been decided. Every puzzle piece was in place so that my life could echo that of my father’s and mentor’s—except for one impenetrable variable.
Rebellion—a rift in their judgement and expectations of me.
Because my higher self and free-will felt invaded, persecuted and trapped, my soul screamed out for change. Savage rage and anger swept over me as a young man. Hostility was a form of protection, a part of my identity and implosive denial. Abuse was a way for me to resurrect pain and suffering so I could re-live my torment and captivity day after day. This type of self-destruction comes at the cost of physical, mental and/or emotional enslavement—to no one but our own minds and self-imposed predicament.
As I come into my own and begin coming of age, I’m learning to recognize that no matter how the experience unfolded, my memory, that figment of reality in time can be altered by perception. There’s always value disguised within the human experience and we’re meant to be actively participating while learning from each word, sentence and chapter our lives are transcribing each day to the Universe.
Healing through forgiveness cures all ailments.
Even at an early age, I can remember having a vivid consciousness and being acutely aware. My comprehension was vast, despite the obvious childhood naivety most of us inevitably characterize. Sex, swear words, mischievous sibling and peer influences and parental observation (monkey see, monkey do) all led to a comprehensive ‘personality’ or identity of which I wholeheartedly believed in. I bought into the dream for a time and at a definite cost, but something in me ceaselessly yearned for greater and more. Not more things or greater achievements so-to-speak but increased diversity, lessons and experiences contributing to soul growth and the gradual unveiling of the american dream–a cheap, made in China facade.
Believe it or not, my soul has called out for struggle and pain—enduring many hardships and sacrifices of which have taught me extraordinary value and direction in life including a newly discovered sense of self.
What I’ve come to realize about my own life is that my calling has been staring me in the face for as long as memory serves. Right in front of me. Things that come naturally, exude my essence, are enjoyable and that spill forth creativity. Crafts that steal away time and open the gateway to that childlike, inner expression crying out for attention and passage into the light of day.
Just because we are grown up, does not mean we have to give up our youth or that innocent voice that resides eternally within. We are sentient, peaceful and loving creatures who are by and large misunderstood and thus we misunderstand others. Until I delve further and deeper into my own subconscious world of darkness and light, I will remain oblivious to my own plight and will likely miss out on the adventure that could be my lifetime.
From time to time, we’ll unearth our dream declaration from that dusty stack of I swear I’ll get to these magazines and books or wherever you know you’ll eventually dig around for something forgotten to re-discover your soul’s message to self. Read it and reflect on the journey; immerse yourself in your vision for awhile.
What’s been accomplished or overcome so far—what’s changed and what’s new?
“Look at how far I’ve come since I wrote those desires down so long ago.”, you’ll silently reminisce and likely crack a smile at.
Correct the distortions; continue moving forward and advance at your own pace.
No matter how many times we circle the block, keep braving the monotony and excruciating suffering we routinely impose upon ourselves with the reassurance that every moment counts for the many more to come, when we’ve finally stepped through our personal limitations and into our limelight. Trust that it’s worth the wait, the weight and many sacrifices to get there.