There are days when I’m full of poisonous thoughts.
Many times, when I’m consumed by the darkness and for the longest time, keeping my secrets to myself.
Until recently, I’d no idea how it felt to release and to let the world know how I’m feeling in that moment – right, wrong, politically correct or otherwise.
Toxic ideals or thoughts that lingered over time, fermenting.
Days when I hate everything about this dysfunctional world we’re living in – perpetual madness.
Other days, I am inexplicably blessed with gratitude and appreciation for all things – all life as we know it.
An energy sponge, I allow the things I read, see or hear about to infiltrate and overcome my senses.
Empathy giving way to anger and rage. Compassion replaced with fear mongering. Sometimes I wonder if anyone’s paying attention, or if I should simply put my head down – maybe bury it in the sand and go back to being a cog in the wheel.
So many things I have no control over, yet I could scream at the top of my lungs, “Why is no one doing anything about this!?!”.
I spew my filth onto paper. I’ve allowed my grievance to seek its expression in the light of day.
Few people wish to know how much of an impact we are making individually.
It’s easier to ignore the grave cost we’re having on this planet – as individuals.
Guilt overcomes me, whenever I toss something away that could have been re-used or re-purposed. Instead, it ends up in a landfill because that’s what we’ve been taught to do – turn our backs to our own plight.
My job is not to change you or your ways. My job, however, is to change myself and my personal ideals to match my actions. To go on endless walks so I can clear the air and remember to love again and then to write, because that’s the gift I’ve been given to share with this world.
Reminding myself that I am not a ferocious person and that my wishes aren’t to inflict further damage to an already damaged society. I feel as though for most, they cannot help their predicament. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a chance that I can help my own.
Losing mind and giving way to spirit. Receding and turning inward – allowing the darkness to consume my faculties. A back and forth tennis match so-to-speak. Being of the light and speaking of its graciousness, then turning around and imploring our demise.
At the end of the day, few will listen and even fewer will act. Our nature is often to do as we’re told, not what our hearts yearn for.
It’s too easy, to pass along the blame and responsibility for others to solve on our behalf – we’ve become too complacent.
There’s no trust in our society or service to others – not if people are still sick, dying, homeless and/or mentally anguished. Pawn in a losing chess match.
My discontent arises from anger and feeling powerless. I cannot toss my things away haphazardly and no matter how little my impact, I still choose to recycle or find use from post-consumer trash, as just one example of resource conservation.
I’d be willing to bet, we spend as much on garbage as the garbage it came in if we were to average all costs out. Yes, I’m calling most of our beloved things trash – useless distractions that are separating us from genuine connection. No matter how much we might covet our possessions.
Have you ever thought about that? Possessions. Possession. Possessed. Do you think you aren’t possessed by your lifestyle as a consumer? It might be time to see a professional if you’re still in denial that you’re not consumed by consumption – that it doesn’t flow through your blood like it does a cocaine addict’s. You’re addicted too – we all are. Stop denying it.
There are unseen forces at play that go beyond the average person’s comprehension – merely because they were taught to be ignorant.
How long can we as a human race remain enamored by cheap entertainment and useless distractions? Until we’ve fed on the last lamb?
While I stand upon my pedestal or soap box, I look around at my distractions and am constantly determining what still fits in my life and what needs to go. Who could use this more than I? Does this really serve a useful purpose in my life, or are my wants outweighing my needs to be happy? Is this how I measure my self-worth?
It’s been a difficult road, lessening the burden and weight upon my shoulders. Learning to be a conscious consumer and to live with less – much less.
Yes, it is everything it sounds like it would be. Someday, I’d love to know that all of my belongings could travel with me and that I could pull up roots at anytime and move, anywhere. In some cases, less is so much more. In most cases actually.
Once our basic needs are met, everything else is merely an option. Healthy food, adequate clothing and shelter…more than what many, many people around this planet have and I’m still wasteful.
I’m still taken by it – consumerism’s grasp. I get high off of it. There are definitely Dopamine responses to my spending habits – like a drug, one might say.
Yes, I’m an addict and so are you. Would you like me to prove it? Alas, who’s to blame? Well, we all are because we’re all contributing. So what am I willing to do in my own town – my own life? I can be conscious of my spending and I can learn to conserve more. I’m learning to live with and enjoy the essentials and only a few options.
Maybe someday, I’ll provide some type of beneficial service to my community.
Learning to keep walking by and to save more money because I know that 99% of my needs are truly wants. There will be a day, where but our choice, is to cooperate and to help our fellow brethren instead of helping ourselves to our cake – likely out of necessity. I hope the system collapses, so we as human beings might learn how to coexist on this Earth again someday.
It’s time for a reboot.